18 Months Later

18 months.  That little fact just sort of snuck up on me a few hours ago.  You’ve probably noticed that I haven’t written in a few months.  I had gotten to the point where the fact of Mike’s death no longer traumatized me within the first five minutes of waking every day.  I was even able to observe the fact from a cushiony distance, able to talk about it matter-of-factly rather than with a knife stabbing my heart.  So what was there to say about grief?  The fifth of the month would roll around, and I would simply groan, not wanting to unpack it.  Next month I’ll write again, I told myself.  And before I knew it, four months had gone by without a new blog post.

This week has been different.  I’ve had an unspecific anxiety bubbling under the surface.  Too much caffeine?  Then inexplicably I burst into tears last night.  And then, today, remembering the wound as fresh as if it had been yesterday, only to realize today is the 18-month anniversary.  Why today should hurt any more or less than any other day doesn’t logically make sense, but there it is. 

We learn how to carry around a painful truth and still carry on with our lives. Within the past week I found myself having a conversation with Dolly about dance shoes, while simultaneously looking out of the window of the car, seeing the park bench where I sat when my parents told me Mike was dead, registering everything I’d felt at that moment for a split second, and then jumped back into the conversation with Dolly.  Later in the week I found myself at a school picnic saying the words “he died of depression” in response to a question about how my brother died, feeling the full impact of those words register in the listener and in myself, without saying another word about it.  From there, the conversation turned to cupcakes and carpooling, but the rest stayed in my gut. 

It is much more polite to say he died of depression than he blew his brains out with a shotgun, though both statements are true.

As I write this, my mom is driving cross-country and will be here in a few days.  She is moving to California to be closer to Dolly and me.  She is seeing through the plan that she and Dad made after Mike died.  It is bittersweet for her, of course.  She misses Dad so much and had hoped to make the trip with him.  She is driving across the country with her best and oldest friend, and with Mike’s and Dad’s ashes at her side.

Also as I write this, more than 2,000 survivors of suicide have just finished the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention’s Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk in New York City, where they raised over $2.5 million for suicide prevention programs.  I didn’t make it this year, but I hope to go next year.  Here in San Francisco, I feel very blessed to for the support I have found from fellow suicide survivor, and can’t imagine making this journey without them.

Despite the anxiety of the past week, things have been getting better. Perhaps the pain is more integrated now and that's why it feels less disruptive?  It's hard to find language to describe it.  As I've said before, I've relied heavily on my faith in God to get me through this past year and a half, and my faith has grown stronger as a result.  I used to spend a lot of time worrying about where Mike is now, what he is now, etc., but those thoughts no longer trouble me.  It would be nice to imagine Mike sitting on a cloud somewhere with my Dad, but that is not what I believe.  (Conceding, of course, that no one knows for sure.)  I believe God is energy, and I believe that is what Mike is now, too.  He is finally with God.  He is finally free.

Now What?

I wonder lately what the next step will be.  How do I carry Mike with me now?  I want to honor his life and his death, without being obsessive about it.  The trauma doesn't feel as acute as last year, but I am certainly not healed.  Nor will I ever be.  Since I get to decide what his life and his death mean to me, I try to make sense of it all.  Mostly I look for the silver lining.

Ultimately I don't want to define my brother's life by his suicide.  Likewise I don't want to define my life by my brother's suicide.  For now, when I engage with his memory, it's all wrapped up in that day.  And the silver lining has been the connections I've made with others who have to carry this same pain.  It's too much for one person to carry.   The stronger the web of survivors, the more supported we are when we carry it.  I am closer to my surviving family now, and have a wonderful support group of fellow survivors of suicide.  So I consider stretching out the web even further.

For example, my group is talking about going on the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's Overnight Walk in New York City to connect with survivors from across the country.  Another idea I had was to organize a group for the next Dia de los Muertos in San Francisco to build an altar for the people we have lost to suicide.  At some point I would also like to travel to Mexico for the larger Dia de los Muertos festival in Pátzcuaro.  I could also volunteer to help out organizations dedicated to suicide prevention and/or survivor support.

I know these activities will not bring Mike back.  But they might help someone who is having a hard time making it through the day.  Maybe getting through the day is all that is next.

As for honoring Mike's life, tomorrow I will be cheering for the Green Bay Packers to win the Super Bowl.  Mike and Dad were loyal Packer fans till the very end.  I may not know a thing about football, but I know that Mike and Dad would be proud.

Nothing Changes on New Year's Day

It's 2011.  Ready to put the death and illness of 2010 behind me.  Ready for a fresh start.

But then.  The haunting continues.  A couple of nights ago, I had my worst nightmare about Mike to date.  In the dream, I was the one who found Mike's body, and then I was the one who had to call Mom and Dad to tell them what happened.  He was lying on the ground in the woods.  I saw him from a distance, but I knew he was dead, and was too frightened to go any closer.  The image of his still body from my dream has haunted me ever since.  I can't imagine how traumatized I would be if I'd seen his body with the rest of my family before he was cremated.

Sometimes the fact of my brother's suicide makes me feel physically ill, as though I will never be right again.

When is this acceptance thing supposed to happen?

Not yet.

One Year Later

Today is the one-year anniversary of Mike's suicide.  I was expecting today to be difficult, but the emotional meltdown hit last night instead.  By today I felt much calmer.  Before last night, I told myself that I just needed to get through the anniversary weekend, and then I could move on with my life.  Things would be easier after the first year.  Of course, grief doesn't really work that way.  Yesterday it was bubbling under the surface, and then finally broke through.  I missed him so much.  Last night I thought about how one year ago, he was still alive, and what if there was something I could have done.  Those kinds of thoughts will drive you mad.

After the tears, and talking to women in my Survivors of Suicide support group, I realized I had unrealistic expectations for what it would mean to make it past the one-year mark.  On the other hand, they encouraged me to think about the healing and growth that has happened this year.  After all, this year was just the beginning of the grief journey.

One year in, I have an appreciation for my brother's life and his struggles in a way I didn't have when he was alive.  My friend Stacy told me that in the end, I get to choose what Mike's life means to me and what to keep of him.  My friend Jane told me that I am now the keeper of my and my brother's childhood.  Figuring out how to hold on to Mike's life--and not just his death--is a work-in-progress.

One year in, I have a greater appreciation for and dependence on my family and friends, especially my Mom.  Despite my frequent impulse to isolate, I am more aware now that living life is about our connection to other people.  Without these connections, I would not have made it through this year.

One year in, I have a stronger faith and trust in God, and a greater acceptance of the uncertainty of life and my absolute lack of control.  At the moment, I feel at peace with the chaos.

This year has been the hardest year of my life.  I know nothing really changes now as we enter Year Two Without Mike.  The only solution is to move forward.

Thanks to everyone who has stumbled across this blog and read it.  I hope you found some of it useful or interesting.  Many people have mentioned to me that they read it but have not yet become a follower.  Please consider following this blog either on Blogger or on Facebook Networked Blogs.  Also feel free to leave comments or to e-mail me, especially if you have lost someone to suicide.  In the coming year, I will be posting monthly as opposed to weekly.  The next post will be January 5, 2011.

Thanksgiving

One year ago, Mike ate Thanksgiving dinner alone in a motel room in Staunton, Virginia.  Mom and Dad tried to convince him to come home for the Thanksgiving, but he had to work.  Mike still had his apartment in Virginia Beach, but had recently been transferred to Staunton, a fact which caused him great turmoil.  Mike didn't like change, and being temporarily relocated from Virginia Beach to Staunton was evidence, in his mind, of how things never worked out for him.  He loved Virginia Beach, so of course it couldn't work out for him there.  He hated Staunton, so of course he was going to be stuck there.  In his mind, twisted by depression, paranoid and confused, he believed his company had a conspiracy against him.  In reality, his company went out of its way to find a place for Mike when they were downsizing.  Most companies would have just let him go.  As it turned out, a position opened up in Roanoke less than six months after he died, so if he'd stuck around, he wouldn't have been stuck in Staunton very long.  His mind, however, was not capable of seeing beyond his immediate circumstances.  Then again, his immediate circumstances were not the point.  He was healthy, educated, employed, and loved.  Yet more alone than anyone knew.

Mom and Dad offered to meet Mike halfway between Staunton and their home in Parkersburg, West Virginia.  It wouldn't have been a long drive for any of them, but Mike insisted it was too far.  Mom told him, "That's ridiculous, let us come meet you." But he wouldn't meet them.  He complained to them on the phone about being alone, but he had chosen to be alone.  Looking back, I can't remember if I talked to him that day, or if Mom and Dad conveyed to me how he was feeling.  Did I even leave him a message wishing him a Happy Thanksgiving?  I want to believe I did, but I'm honestly not sure.

It wasn't until this Thanksgiving, a year later, that I realized he was probably already planning his suicide when he refused to meet Mom and Dad for dinner.  The detective who investigated his death told us that he had been going to the shooting range for two weeks before his death.  Thanksgiving was eight days before his death.  The detective said Mike's visits to the shooting range didn't prove he was contemplating suicide; perhaps he was shooting guns for recreation, he suggested.  But the detective did not know my brother.  Mike hated guns.  He didn't pick up a new hobby in the last weeks on his life.  There is only one reason Mike went to the shooting range.  The same reason he sat alone on Thanksgiving.  The same reason we are without him now.

So now, one year later, it is time to give thanks.

I am thankful for my brother Mike, who I had the privilege of knowing for 37 years.  I have many regrets about some of that time that was wasted, but no matter what, I know that I am a stronger and better person for having Mike in my life.  I love you, Mike.

I am thankful for my Dad.  I regret that my grief for Mike has made my grief for Dad come a little more slowly.  He was a good man and a good father, and I know his love was unconditional.  I love you, Dad.

I am thankful for my Mom.  I don't know how I could get through losing Mike and Dad without Mom.  I hope she stays with me for a long time.  I love you, Mom.

I am thankful for Dolly, my beautiful baby girl.  She is my reason for everything.  I love you, Dolly.

I am thankful for all of my friends for helping me through this year, even when I have been withdrawn.

Most of all, I am thankful for God, for watching over all of us, keeping us safe as we keep moving forward.


  

Dia de los Muertos

On Tuesday, I carried this sign in the Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) candlelight procession through the Mission in memory of Dad and Mike.  Dolly came with me at the last minute since Duncan had to work, so the night didn't go as I had planned.  Day of the Dead is scary for Dolly.  She is scared of the crowds, the smoke, and the masks.  We walked only a couple of blocks before she was begging me to go home.  I felt torn.  I really wanted to stay, to be a witness for my dad and my brother.  I tried explaining to Dolly how important it was to me.  I also wanted to meet up with my friends who were grieving a loss of their own.  But once again, the lesson:  I am not in control.  I need to let go.

Earlier that morning, I tried, unsuccessfully, to assert my will onto Dolly.  Over the weekend she had written a beautiful essay for Day of the Dead, which she planned to enter into an essay contest.  The winners would get to read their essays at her school's Day of the Day Assembly.  That morning, however, she decided she didn't want to turn in her essay, and she didn't want to read it in front of her friends.  I was proud of her for writing it, and tried to convince her to show her essay to her teacher.  I even walked her into school, thinking I would enlist her teacher's help in convincing her.  In the end, I realized that this quest was more about me than about Dolly.  It was completely understandable that she didn't want to read an extremely personal essay to her entire school.  When I realized what I was doing, I stopped.  I turned around.  I let it go.  

Dolly and I left the Dia de los Muertos procession and walked to the festival of altars in Garfield Park.  As upset as I was about leaving the procession, as soon I got to the altars, I knew it was where I needed to be.  Someone looked at my sign and said, "Look, she's carrying her altar with her."  We went into the playground so Dolly could ride on the merry-go-round.  I had an overwhelming feeling of warmth and calm.  I thought it was Dad telling me that everything was going to be OK.  Then I cried for a long time.

Dolly and I walked around the park, looking at the altars.  I felt inspired to build an altar next year for people who died by suicide.  Next year I won't go the procession, and will spend the evening in the park only.  At one altar, there were cards, pens, and envelopes for people to write messages to those they have lost.  We wrote a note to Dad and Mike, saying that we loved them and missed them, and that we hoped they were at peace and with each other.

Building a Community Altar

On Saturday, Dolly and I spent the morning at her school to help create the Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) Community Altar.  Each family got to make a doll figurine (called a "calaca") to put on the altar.  We made ours in memory of both Dad and Mike, as shown above.  Some of the others are shown below.  The altar will be ready in time for the Dia de los Muertos assembly on November 2.  

Dolly and I have gone to the Dia de los Muertos procession through the Mission many times.  I have walked in memory of friends I have lost, and to honor the losses of others.  Day of the Dead will have special meaning for me this year, after losing two close members of my family.  One of the members of my suicide survivors' support group is going to one of the large Dia de los Muertos processions in Mexico.  Maybe I'll try to go next year.

I had a complete meltdown Saturday morning before the art workshop.  I wanted to bring photos of Dad and Mike to put on the altar, and although I could find many photos of Mike, I had to tear the house apart to find a photo of Dad.  I have many digital photos, but couldn't find any physical photographs.  I felt like a horrible daughter.  I started screaming and crying, and threw everything off the shelves in my office.  Dolly said I scared her.  I finally found a photo from when Dolly was a baby.  So I wiped off my tears, climbed over piles of paper, photos, and books, and drove to the school to put this grief to better use.

Do-Over

It's late Sunday night.  The weekend is over.  I had all kinds of plans for today--Patti Smith concert in Golden Gate Park, meeting on Church St., bike ride--but instead I stayed in pajamas watching movies, and now, after accomplishing absolutely nothing, it's time for bed.  The great thing about sleep is that tomorrow is a new day.  No matter how supremely lazy I was today, it can all change tomorrow. Tomorrow restarts the clock.  I can wake with a new attitude and motivation. Tomorrow I will work.  Tomorrow I will exercise.  Tomorrow I will eat well.  Tomorrow I will show up.

When Mike pulled the trigger, did he think he was getting a do-over? Does it all start over--a new day, a new life?  When I was recovering from meningitis, one of my home care nurses told me that "they say" people who die by suicide are doomed to repeat their same misery in their next life, because there is something they haven't learned yet.  How exactly "they" know that, I am not sure.  Did "they" take a poll to find out what people who committed suicide were doing in their next lives?  If you're going to just make some shit up, why decide it's going to be another lifetime of misery?  And why assume a survivor of suicide wants to hear your theory?  Can't you just say "at least he is no longer suffering" like everyone else?

A do-over would be nice.  Like rebooting a computer.  Did he think he would enjoy the nothingness?  Did he think he would continue to exist in any form, on any level?  Disconnected from misery.  Do it over.

Connection

This morning I joined 700 other San Francisco survivors of suicide in the Out of the Darkness Community Walk to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.  Together we raised over $90,000 for suicide prevention research and education, and helped raise awareness about mental illness.

It was foggy and cold as we gathered around Lake Merced.  As we walked, the fog burned off, allowing the sun to shine through.  Someone asked me if I had participated in last year's Walk.  No, I said, I didn't have a reason to walk last year.

At one of the tables near the registration booth they were giving away Mardi Gras beads.  Each color symbolized a different type of loss:  orange for loss of a sibling, gold for loss of a parent, white for loss of a child, red for loss of a spouse or partner, purple for loss of a friend, green for someone who themselves struggles with suicidal thoughts, blue for someone who supports the cause.  Every time I went to the table, I cried.  I wore orange and blue beads on the walk, and they now hang on the rearview mirror of my car.

There were many speakers who talked about suicide as a public health crisis, suicide as the nation's most preventable cause of death, suicide as the day everything changed.  The common thread of these speeches, or at least what I took from it, is that it's all about connection.  We have a short time here on Earth.  The more we can connect with others, the more lives we can save, the more we can heal, the richer our lives will be.  Connection is what life is all about.  

I walked today with my saucy suicide survivor sisters.  I'm grateful that I don't have to  do this alone.  I know people don't want to hear about Mike's suicide as much as I think about it.  It's good to know there are others who are with me on this grief journey.  

When I sent out the fundraising emails, I was surprised how many people shared that they had also lost a sibling to suicide.  I walked today for their lost loved ones, too.  From last week's blog post to now, I was able to raise $1,200 for AFSP, which exceeded my goal.  I love my friends.

Apparently there is a gun club next to Lake Merced that graciously agreed to stay closed during the Walk.  I would have totally lost it if there had been gun shots firing while I was walking in remembrance of Mike.

Mike's birthday is on Tuesday.  He would have been 38.

Butterfly

In July, before I got sick, Dolly, Duncan, and I spent two weeks in the Stanislaus National Forest outside of Yosemite. One day we hiked to a swimming hole in the Clavey River called God’s Bath, a beautiful spot in the river where a waterfall flows into a deep pool surrounded by tall cliffs.  The place is usually filled with local teens from Sonora, who go there to drink and jump off the cliffs.  This year we had the spot to ourselves.  There was a towel and someone’s socks on the flat part of the rock, but no one in sight. The water level was much higher due to all of the rain, and the current of the river was flowing much faster. There was a strange energy, too.  Duncan’s dog Bo refused to go in the water, even though he had been swimming downstream. 

After we went swimming, we walked up to the flat part of the rock to have lunch.  At the top, there is a hole through which we’ve seen people jump and then swim through an underwater tunnel to the main pool.  It was there we noticed that the towel we’d spotted earlier had been torn into strips and tied together into a makeshift rope.  Duncan pointed and told me to turn around.  On the cliff wall behind me, someone had spray-painted “R.I.P.”  Had someone jumped into the hole and not made it back out?  Did he jump into the main pool by the waterfall and get pulled under?  A few years ago we watched in terror as two guys jump off the highest spot of the cliff.  People probably drown there all the time, are here appeared to be the remnants of some stranger’s death.  We reported what we saw to a forest ranger later that day.  One of the forest workers told us there had been a search party looking for a missing person near God’s Bath just the week before.

The following week we hiked along a branch of the Tuolumne River to another swimming hole called Early Intake.  Coincidentally, this was also the day my meningitis symptoms began.  While the rest of the group hiked ahead to Early Intake, Duncan stayed behind to fish along the river.  At one point he walked into the river and stood on a big rock to get a better spot to fish.  All of a sudden the current swept him under the rock.  He struggled to get out but was stuck.  He took a breath, thinking he’d made it to the surface, but his mouth filled with water.  He said he was seconds away from the end.  I do not know what happened in those last seconds that made the difference, allowing him to be alive to tell us about it.  One of our friends with us that day summed it up by saying, “It wasn’t his time.”

Was it Mike’s time?  Was it time for the stranger who died at God’s Bath?  The obvious answer is yes, because otherwise they would still be here.  To say it was Mike’s time is to find relief in the idea that there is an order of things.  The idea that even though you don’t understand it, things are happening just as they should.

Where does suicide fit into this idea?  Was it Mike’s time on December 5, 2009 when his life ended, or was his time actually supposed to be in 2039 or 2059, but for the suicide? 

The closest I come to acceptance is to believe for just a moment that it was Mike’s time, and that nothing Mike or anyone else could have done differently would have prevented it.  Some people believe that our fates are predetermined.  Others believe that we control our own destinies by the choices we make.  I believe in a combination of the two, that our fates can change with our choices, and that although we sometimes control our choices, we do not control the outcome.  When we escape death, is that luck, or is that God?  And if we choose death, like Mike did, is it really a choice?  And when death finally comes for us, we have no more control.  Death is the ultimate surrender.

For the two weeks I was near Yosemite, a butterfly followed me everywhere I went.  I first saw it when we were camping by Cherry Lake, and it followed me on the hike to God’s Bath, and on our various hikes along the Tuolumne.  I felt Mike’s presence in this butterfly.  I felt like he was finally free.   

40

Today I am celebrating my 40th birthday.  You know what I said to age 39?  "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out."  Age 39 was the worst year of my life.  Even if nothing eventful happens at age 40, it will still be better than the suckiest suck suck 39.

I am so eloquent in my old age, aren't I?

Surviving 40 years on this planet is a triumph.  Many people I love didn't make it to 40.  Mike only made it to 37.  He's been gone for 40 weeks now.

And why am I still here when so many others are not?  It is pointless to ask why.  I can only say thank you, and there but for the grace of God go I.  After a year of death and illness, I am blessed to be here celebrating my birthday with people I love:  happy, healthy, and alive.

Since it's my birthday, I am making a birthday wish.  My wish is to help other people avoid terrible years like my age 39.  My wish is that other families will not have to experience the pain, confusion, and regret that Mike's suicide has caused me and my family.  My wish is that someone else's brother can get help before it's too late.

To help make my birthday wish come true, please consider supporting me in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention Out of the Darkness Community Walk.  On September 26, 2010, I will join thousands of people nationwide to walk in AFSP's San Francisco Out of the Darkness Community Walk to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.  I walk in memory of Mike, who I will love and cherish forever.


The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention is at the forefront of research, education and prevention initiatives designed to reduce loss of life from suicide. With more than 33,000 lives lost each year in the U.S. and over one million worldwide, the importance of AFSP's mission has never been greater, nor our work more urgent.

I would appreciate any support that you could give for this worthwhile cause.

CLICK HERE TO VISIT MY FUNDRAISING PAGE.

Still Tired

I'm still recovering from meningitis, so I'm trying to take it easy and not push myself too much.  I'll be back to blogging in two weeks.  Thanks for your patience.

The Family Eulogist

Somehow I've become the person in my family to give the eulogy when someone dies.  First Bedstefar (my Danish grandfather), then Mike, and, most recently, Dad.  Here is more or less how it went:

If one thing can be said about my dad, it is that he was a good man.  He did not have an unkind bone in his body.


Just a few months ago we were here to say good-bye to my brother Mike.  It's hard to be up here again, trying to find words to say.  Losing Mike broke Dad’s heart.  It literally broke Dad’s heart.  Now they are together in heaven watching over us.


My daughter Dolly, Dad’s granddaughter, couldn’t be here today because this is her first week of school.  She sent along this message that she asked me to read to you today:


Hi Grandpa.  This is my speech that I made for you that I hope my mom is going to recite at the funeral.  Grandpa, I’m sorry that you had to go through pain when you were dying.  And you were only 67, or 68.  Sorry I forgot your age.  I kind of don’t remember stuff that’s important, but I’ll definitely remember this, which I didn’t want to happen.  Well, I guess that’s just life.  And even though someone is gone, they are still here.  I mean, you’re still around the earth.  And now I have four people above my head – both of my grandpas, my great grandma, and Uncle Mike.  And I’m always going to cherish those who are above my head and those who I can see.  But just because I can’t see them doesn’t mean that you’re not there.  Bye, Grandpa.  Well, I’m not really saying good-bye cause you’re up above my head right now.  So, good-bye for now.  I love you.


That was my daughter Dolly’s message.  My message to Dad is a message of thanks.

Thank you for adopting me, for giving me the life I have today, for always believing in me, and for making me the person I am today.  I will miss talking to you and the great trips we took together.

Thank you for loving Mom for 43 years, for being her best friend, for being with her my role models for a loving committed relationship that is inspiring and the best parents anyone could ask for.

Thank you for saving Mike’s life twice and being there for him throughout his life.  He admired you and loved you.  You understood him like no ones else did.  I am glad you are there to watch over him once more.

Thank you for being a good brother and friend.  The people who have stayed by your side for decades are a testament to your honor, loyalty, and kindness.  You were a man of faith and a man of charity, and made the world a better place by the lives you touched.

You lived a good life and you were loved.

West Virginia, Again

Five months after burying my brother, I am back in West Virginia for Dad's funeral.  It's been over three weeks since Dad died of a heart attack, or lung failure, or whatever it was that ultimately killed him.  During that time I was too ill from meningitis to travel.  Even now I don't have much strength.  But I am very happy to finally be here with Mom.  We're the survivors of a terrible year.

Today I looked through old photographs, some of which I'd never seen before.  Pictures of Dad when he was a kid, pictures of Dad and Mom when they were first married, pictures of Mike.  Mom kept saying she couldn't believe they were both gone, how it's just not fair.  Aunt Karen called from Denmark.  She and my great-uncle Phillip are in their 90s and still in fine health.  She said she didn't understand why they were still alive while Dad was gone, how it wasn't fair.  Fair doesn't have much to do with life and death, does it?

Losing Mike and Dad and getting a serious illness, all within a nine-month period, have made me extremely grateful to be alive, grateful for my beautiful life and my family, friends, and colleagues.  God willing, I'll be turning 40 in four weeks.  That used to stress me out.  Now I'll just feel blessed for the gift, you know?  Some people, like Mike, don't make it that far.  There's nothing like health problems or losing a loved one to make you appreciate your life.  So if you're reading this, be thankful for what you have and for those around you.  Go out and enjoy!  Life may be short, but it is also rich and abundant.

Back to the Hospital

I went back to the hospital for three days with a violent Clostridium Difficile infection following my earlier hospital stay for Varicella Zoster Meningitis.  Needless to say, I have not yet made it to West Virginia to see Mom.  She is waiting until I am healthier to have the memorial for Dad.  Right now all I can do is rest and try to get better.  I try not to think about anything beyond the next step, which for me will be my 10:00 p.m. infusion of Acyclovir.  Grief is just going to have to wait.

More Loss

It's been three weeks since my last post.  Two Sundays ago I couldn't write because I was on vacation near Yosemite without Internet access.  Last Sunday I couldn't write because I was in the E.R. with severe head and neck pain.  That same day, my dad had a massive heart attack.  I spent the next six days in the hospital being treated for varicella zoster meningitis.  Dad spent the next five days in the ICU.  I am home now.  Dad didn't make it.  He died Thursday, July 22, 2010.  He was 68.

More than anything I want to be with my mom right now.  She has lost both her son and her husband of 43 years within less than eight months.  We're still heavily grieving Mike's death, and now we have to deal with this loss.  Unfortunately, I am still too weak from the meningitis to leave the house, and still in a lot of physical pain.  It will be at least a week before I can make the long trip across the country to see her.

I grew up in Iowa with Mom, Dad, and Mike.  Two of the four of us are now gone.  Mom and I will have to figure out together how to survive these losses.  Mom, Dolly, and I are all we have left.

Independence Day

It would be nice if time healed all wounds.  It would be nice if that healing happened in a linear progression.  The day you find out about the death would the worst, and then each day after that would be a little easier.  It would be nice if grief worked that way.

Seven months in, you feel self-conscious if you bring it up too often.  You think you should be back to normal.  You wonder why the thought of that morning still stops you in your tracks several times an hour, every hour, every day.  But still you say, "Fine, thank you, how are you?"  You feel self-conscious about not being more together than you think others think you should be.

Dolly and I watched the fireworks yesterday at the county fair.  With each ooooh and ahhhh, I remembered watching fireworks with my parents when Mike and I were kids.  He was the only witness to my childhood other than my parents.  So many memories will only live on through me now.

Firecrackers outside my window.  Loud bangs.  I think of the stranger who heard the gunshot that morning.  I think of the other stranger that found the body.

Oh, if only grief were linear.  If only time healed all wounds.

Candle

I missed last week's post because Mom, Dad, Dolly, and I were up in Calistoga, relaxing in the geothermal mineral pools.  With any luck, Sonoma County will be my parents' new home very soon.  It feels good to bring the family together.  If only I had been motivated to move everyone out to California when Mike was still alive.  I couldn't even convince him to visit me.  He'd only been on an airplane twice in his life.  If Mike hadn't died, my parents might have moved to Virginia Beach to be near him.  Now they have the house up for sale, and are moving west to be with us.

I thought about Mike a lot while they were here, more than usual.  I like thinking about him, but it is hard to think about his death.  On their last day in town we were in Golden Gate Park:  "There's the de Young . . . there's the Academy of Sciences . . . and there's the park bench where I was sitting when you called to tell me Mike was dead."

Sometimes I still can't believe he's gone.

We visited Mission Dolores one day, and lit a candle for Mike in the Basilica.  With all our love, our memories will live on, and we'll never forget.

Family

One of the blessings to come from this tragedy is that it has brought the rest of my family closer together.  I really can't imagine having to deal with Mike's death without my parents.  They've said that losing Mike has brought them closer together, and I need them more now, too.  We are the survivors.

Mom and Dad are coming to visit on Wednesday, and will spend most of the time they are here looking at condos.  Before Mike died, they never would have considered moving out here.  Now the plan is for them to move out as soon as they can sell their house.  It will be great for all of us to see one another more often.  They will be here to watch Dolly grow up instead of seeing her only twice a year.  I know they never would have moved so far away from Mike.  Part of me feels guilty for any positive outcome of the suicide.  Clearly I would rather have Mike alive than have my parents move to California.  These thoughts are irrational, of course.  We are allowed to make positive changes.  As my Mom said, just because Mike ended his life doesn't mean we stop living.

Another benefit is that when my parents get older, they will be close by for me to take care of them.  Mike would have been given power of attorney for medical and financial decisions if my parents ever became incapacitated.  Now it will be me--when that time comes, a long way down the road--to handle these matters alone.

I hope California will be a new chapter in my parents' lives that helps in their healing.  We will never recover from what happened.  But at least we will be together.

Six Months

Yesterday was the six-month anniversary of Mike's suicide.  I spent Saturday, June 5, 2010 remembering the horrible, haunting details of Saturday, December 5, 2009--the day everything changed.  I remembered getting the phone call from my parents.  This week I just wanted to call Mike.  It hits me over and over that he isn't here.  The hardest part is thinking about how much pain he was in without anyone realizing it.  Mom and Dad went through some of his things this week and found prescriptions for three kinds of antidepressants and an anti-anxiety medication.  They all had dates within the last few months.  But then he stopped taking them so that they had all left his system before he died.  By the time I knew something was wrong it was too late.  I think I felt it when he left.  I sensed something was not right that day.  When my parents called, I was shaking, like I knew they had some terrible news to tell me.  But then, maybe it was the sound of my Dad's voice.  Maybe it was the man yelling at me in the park to control the dog.  The detective said they didn't know how long Mike's body had been lying there, but probably not more than a few hours.  His body was lying by a trash can and a stranger found him there and called the police.  While this was happening, was I walking to the park with Dolly, who was about to run her first race?  Mike had a saved text message in his phone that he never sent.  Did he sit in his car for a long time contemplating his act, or did he just get out of the car and do it?  Was I still sleeping when he left us?  Were my parents eating breakfast or walking their dog?  They woke up and started putting up the Christmas tree.  They never finished.  Why can you just walk into a pawn shop in Virginia and buy a shot gun, no questions asked?  Maybe a waiting period is a good idea, people.  I want to talk to Mike about what he was thinking in those last few days, but I never will.  He is not anymore.  I don't believe he's sitting a cloud watching us, happy that his death made the rest of our family closer.  He is scattered into a million pieces.  Six months into grief, it still haunts me every day, nearly every hour.  Happiness has this dark undertone, this oh yeah, and then there's the dead brother.  Don't forget about him.  Mom and Dad hurt so much.  We all do.  Mom says she does not have guilt but she does have regret.  We all regret not seeing it.  I regret not being more present.  No matter how good I am now, it will never make up for what I didn't do when he was alive.  So there it is, six months into grief.

To The Glory Of Life

It's a gorgeous Memorial Day weekend here in San Francisco.  I feel grateful to be alive, and sad for all of the things that Mike will not experience now.  I do not understand why someone would choose to leave.  I can think of 100 reasons off of the top of my head why this weekend alone is worth living.  The glory of life is infinite.

1.  A big hug from Dolly.  2.  Biting into a peach and tasting summer.  3.  A text message from a friend that makes you laugh out loud.  4.  Dancing.  5.  The first sip of coffee in the morning.  6.  Sleeping in.  7.  Jumping into a big pile of pillows.  8.  Dark chocolate.  9.  Reading The New Yorker cover to cover.  10.  Getting scared by a raccoon.  11.  A kitten asleep on my chest.  12.  Watching Dolly dance.  13.  Chopping vegetables.  14.  Wearing a new dress.  15.  Ikea shopping spree.  16.  Talking to Mom and Dad about their move out here.  17.  Grand opening of Joe's ice cream.  18.  Watching a cheesy romantic comedy with 9-year-old girls.  19.  Carnaval parade in the Mission.  20.  Being kissed by the sun.  21.  Organizing the house.  22.  Reading to Dolly.  23.  Painting my toes.  24.  Strawberries.  25.  Costumes.  26.  Meditation.  27.  Reading in bed.  28.  Backyard barbecue.  29.  Family.  30.  Friends.  31.  Riding my bike.  32.  Golden Gate Park.  33.  Singing in the car.  34.  Catching up on podcasts.  35.  Decorating Dolly's room.  36.  Finding a shortcut around the traffic.  37.  Farmer's market.  38.  Going to the beach.  39.  Staring out into the ocean.  40.  The view of San Francisco from Twin Peaks.  41.  Sand between your toes.  42.  Love.  43.  Fro-yo.  44.  Planning my diet.  45.  New iPhone apps.  46.  A good hair day.  47.  Donating to charity.  48.  Garage sales.  49.  The breeze blowing through my apartment.  50.  Tickle fights.  51.  Dolly laughing.  52.  Stretching.  53.  Strappy heels.  54.  Facebook status updates.  55.  Looking for new apartments on craigslist.  56.  Self-improvement plans.  57.  News that Dru will visit soon.  58.  Our Lady of Safeway.  59.  Empathy.  60.  Connection.  61.  Homemade tacos with fresh avocados.  62.  Chai tea with agave.  63.  Being comfortable in my skin.  64.  Loving my job.  65.  Not having to work this weekend.  66.  Watering the plants.  67.  Pizza Margherita from Gaspare's.  68.  Photographs.  69.  Making videos.  70.  Inside jokes.  71.  Downloading new music.  72.  Dancing in the kitchen while doing the dishes.  73.  Sore muscles.  74.  Blue skies.  75.  The smell of lavender.  76.  Listening to the conversations on the streets.  77.  Dolly's art projects.  78.  The gossip of 9-year-olds.  79.  The kindness of strangers.  80.  Reconnecting with a friend as if months had not gone by since we last spoke.  81.  Garlic breath.  82.  Shaving my legs in the sink.  83.  My kitten attacking my ankles.  84.  Russian Red lipstick.  85.  Caffeinated cleaning spree.  86.  Getting caught up on bills.  87.  Dolly's new disco lamp.  88.  Walking barefoot through grass.  89.  Running through the sprinkler.  90.  Getting a silly song stuck in my head.  91.  Strawberry-banana-coconut smoothie.  92.  Salsa music.  93.  Fuzzy leopard blanket.  94.  Music coming through the neighbors' windows.  95.   The cafe on the corner.  96.  Being productive.  97.  Murals on the sides of buildings.  98.  Exceeding my expectations.  99.  Being in awe of the endless wonder of life.  100.  Being alive to blog about it.

I Don't Feel Like Writing This Week So I Won't

Grief sucks.

Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down

Here is a picture of Mike's headstone that Mom and Dad e-mailed to me today.  The cross used to hang in his room when he was a little boy.  I had one just like it, with a little girl praying.  If I ever find mine, I will give it to Dolly.  They sent me the photo because even though I was there when the priest interred Mike's cremains, I never saw the headstone after it was put on the columbarium.

Let's just pause for a moment to reflect that words like "cremains" and "columbarium" have entered my vocabulary.  Dad keeps incorrectly referring to the columbarium as "Mike's Crypt," which makes me think of late-night zombie movies.

Some days I can go for longer stretches without thinking about him, though it's always there bubbling under the surface.  There are moments I pretend to have acceptance.  Then I see a photo like this one, and am shocked into stunned silence.  Acceptance is so far down the road, I'm not sure I even believe it is there.

Mother's Day

Today is Mother’s Day—my Mom’s first Mother’s Day without Mike.

Losing Mike has been the worst thing that has happened in my life so far—the most difficult death, the most intense grief.  Losing a sibling, however, could not be anything like losing a child.  I think of what my Mom must be feeling—my grief times a thousand.  Not that one can quantify or compare these things. 

As a mother myself, the idea of losing my daughter is the most frightening thing I could imagine.  I’ve said that I would give anything to have my brother back, but of course that’s not completely accurate.  If anything happened to my daughter, it would completely destroy me.  And yet, here are my parents, walking through their worst nightmare.  Since I was adopted, Mike was their only biological child.  I wonder if that makes the loss even harder.  I think that would be hard for me.  You create this beautiful baby who is always a part of you, and then he’s gone.  You give him life, and then he takes that life away.

I don’t think Mike thought through what his death would do to our parents.  He loved Mom and Dad very much—“more than you will ever know,” as he put it in his suicide note.)  Occasionally I feel anger toward him about how selfish he was for doing this to our parents, but those thoughts never make it very far.  He could not see past his own pain, and I really don’t blame him for that.  If anything, I get angry at him for not taking his meds, but that was likely a symptom of the depression as well.  The whole situation was just tragic and sad.

Through this grief journey I have been meeting other survivors of suicide along the way.  Some have lost their children to suicide, while others have lost their siblings, their partners, their friends, or their parents.

Tonight I am sending love to all of the mothers who have lost their children, and to all of the children who have lost their mothers.

The River

I’ve been struggling with my inability to imagine where Mike is now.  It’s an impossible question to answer.  I envy the certainty of those who do not question the existence of heaven, though I do not envy the certainty of those who believe death is the end.  My mushy spiritual view of death forces me to question the concepts of time and self.  I do not question God, but I also cannot picture God.  So whether heaven, reincarnation, or fertilizer, the best we can hope to find is a good metaphor.

My friend Jesika gave me the metaphor I needed.  It doesn’t tell me where Mike is, but it is a story that makes sense to me.  She heard it from a friend who read it in a book, so I’m not sure the source, and, like a game of telephone, the story has shifted as each of us has personalized the metaphor.
 

There is a mighty river.  The river is vast and infinite.  The river has no beginning and it has no end—just the eternal flow.  At a certain point in the river, the water goes over a cliff, breaking the river into droplets of water that fall over the edge in a glorious waterfall and return to the river below.  The waterfall is life.  Our life is the fall of one droplet of water.  Each droplet yearns to connect with other droplets, sometimes making new droplets in the process.  The river is God.  The river is the whole from which we came, and the whole to which we return.  God is in us and we are in God.  Our yearning for connection with other people is our heartache for God.  In the end, our individual droplet selves return to the river, and become part of the infinite whole once again.

Nightmares

In my dream, Mike had come back.  It was my job to keep an eye on him while Mom and Dad were out.  I let him out of my sight for just a few minutes, and he drove off in his car.  I was frantically running around looking for him.  He had left another suicide note, written at the bottom of his last one.  I found it on the counter, looking out the window at the ocean.  When my parents got back, I had to tell them that he was gone.  Then I found myself talking to him in the next room, trying to talk him out of it.  But it wasn’t Mike—it was my daughter, telling me that she wants to die, too.  Then I wake up.

It doesn’t take a PhD in psychology to interpret that dream. 

The first part is telling me that there was nothing I could have done to stop him.  My conscious mind doesn’t completely believe that there was nothing I could have done.  It’s still stuck in “if only…”  I suppose my subconscious mind has to keep trying to hammer that point home until I get it.

The second part is my fear of something happening to Dolly.  Since Mike died, my anxiety level has increased dramatically.  I have a strong fear of losing someone else I love, which I really couldn’t handle right now.  I find myself being a little obsessive and over-protective of Dolly at times.  I also try to tell my family that I love them as often as possible.

I have nightmares almost every night.  In the beginning, my dreams were violent and twisted, often involving decapitation, which sort of makes sense considering how Mike died. I’ve had a lot of dreams about my parents getting killed, which again is fear of something happening to someone else in my family.  Mostly I have dreams about Mike.  In one dream he was Mike as a little boy, and he had become friends with Dolly.  I was watching them through a window, but couldn’t keep track of them.  In the dreams where he dies, I’m never able to get to him in time.  In the dreams where he is alive, I have to face his death again as soon as I wake up. 

Toxicology

The police ordered a toxicology report as part of the investigation into Mike’s death.  I spoke to the detective about the results the week before the memorial.  The toxicology report showed nothing.  No blood-alcohol level, no illegal drugs, and no prescription medication.  There was nothing at all in his system.

What do these results tell us?

First, the results tell us that Mike was not intoxicated when he killed himself as we had originally thought.  He had no trace of alcohol in his system.  I can’t say he was sober, because in his suicide note he talked about how he was drinking again.  He may not have been drinking that night (or that morning—we’re not sure if he stayed up late or got up early to end his life), but he had been drinking in the weeks before his death.  I also can’t say he was sober, because to me, sober means having a clear mind.  Although he may not have been drunk when he died, he was under the influence of his mental disease.  Nevertheless, the idea of him reaching the conclusion he did without his crutch, demonstrates to me how much pain he was in.

Second, the results tell us that Mike did not commit suicide because he was taking Chantix.  We read that Chantix, an anti-smoking drug, has been linked to dozens of suicides, prompting an FDA investigation and stricter warning labels.  We know that Mike was taking Chantix in spring of 2009 to help him stop smoking, and that Mom and Dad told him to stop taking it.  When they cleaned out his apartment, they found an unfilled prescription for Chantix.  It seemed like one day Mike had been happy, the next he was stressed out, and then he was gone.  Given his rapid decline, it was hard not to wonder if something other than his own body chemistry caused his death.  Early on my parents seemed to disagree about the cause of Mike’s death.  Mom said it was the depression that killed Mike, whereas Dad believed it was the Chantix and talked about getting a lawyer or joining a class action lawsuit.  We learned that Chantix doesn’t linger in one’s system, and would therefore only be a factor if he had still been taking it.  With the toxicology results, we know we can’t blame the drug for Mike’s death.

Third, the results tell us that at some point Mike stopped taking his anti-depression medication.  We don’t know when he stopped, and we don’t know how he stopped.  We don’t know if he tapered off under the supervision of a doctor, or decided to quit suddenly on his own.  Either way, it was a life or death decision for him.  Mike was diagnosed with severe depression after his first suicide attempt at 16.  He was on medication ever since—or so we thought.  Mom would ask him occasionally if he was still taking his meds, and he would say yes.  How can you make a grown man who lives in another state take his medicine?  If Mike went off of his medication suddenly, he may have experienced withdrawal or SSRI discontinuation syndrome.  Again, a rapid withdrawal might explain his rapid decline.  Then again, antidepressants stay in one’s system longer, so if he had gone off of his meds right before he died, surely they would have appeared in the toxicology report. 

So what the toxicology report confirms is what we already knew:  Mike’s own brain chemistry convinced him to stop taking his medicine, to stop reaching out for help, and to stop living his beautiful life. 

Grief is Exhausting

More stories next week.  The rain is slamming against my window, and I very much need some sleep.

In the meantime, check out some photos on Duncan's blog.

Eulogy

Mom and Dad asked me to write down what I said at the memorial. Though not word-for-word, here is more or less what I said:

Mike’s best friend Chas was supposed to be here to speak today, but unfortunately he couldn’t make it up from Bluefield due to bad weather down there.  There was a large group of Mike’s friends who wanted to be here and are here in spirit.  Chas was then going to email something for us to read today, but unfortunately the Internet was down this morning.  He did send this text message:  “Please tell everyone that Mike touched the heart and minds of many, especially me, and he will be missed.”

As we were preparing for the memorial over the past couple of days, it seemed like everything was going wrong:  Mike’s friends from Bluefield couldn’t make it to the memorial, others couldn’t get off of work, and I had major computer problems that affected the slideshow.  Last night I was very upset about these things.  Then I realized and was reminded that we are not the ones in control, and things will happen for reasons we do not understand.  So we must rely on our faith in God to get us through this.

My brother Mike grappled with depression all of his life.  He fought really hard throughout his life, trying to control it.  But in the end, it was bigger than he was, and outside of his control.  For those of us who watched him struggle, we also felt that loss of control.  No matter how much we loved him, no matter how much we wanted to help, and no matter what we said to him or did for him, we could not prevent what happened.  So the only thing we can rely on during this time is our faith.  For reasons we cannot understand, it was Mike’s time.  God wanted Mike to be with Him.  And although this does not always bring me comfort, the best I can hope for is some day to find acceptance.

A couple of days before Mike died, he called me and left a couple of voicemail messages. I didn’t get a chance to call him back because I was too busy at work that day.  I never got a chance to talk to him before he died.  And so I will try now.

Dear Mike,

I hope you know that I love you very much, and am very proud of everything you accomplished in your life.  I know you have been fighting your whole life, and finally you have some peace.  We all wish we could have shouldered some of that burden, some of that pain for you.

Along with your struggles, you had many gifts.  Your sensitivity made you a great artist—in photography, in drawing, and in cooking.  It also made you sensitive to the feelings of others and able to care for them, whether organizing a fundraiser for the victims of Hurricane Katrina, cooking for the homeless, or helping your friend Jeff get through school.  You were also incredibly smart.  You had a sharp sense of humor, got straight As in school, and were able to understand things more deeply than other people.

It seemed like you were happier in Virginia Beach.  We have watched you take charge of your life over the past few years—leaving Parkersburg to go back to school, graduating at the top of your class, finding a job you loved, and showing special care to your patients.  I have especially enjoyed talking to you over the past year and a half.  We both wanted a closer relationship with each other, and it seemed like we were finally getting it.  I thought we would grow old together and you would be here to help me take care of Mom and Dad when they got older.  Don’t worry, of course I will take care of them.  But I thought you would be here with me, and I miss the adult relationship we were only starting to have.

Although your life was cut short, you touched so many people’s lives and were loved by many people.  That has become especially clear to us since you have been gone and we’ve seen how many people have reached out to tell us they are missing you along with us.  Our hearts are broken that you had to leave.  As you look down upon us now, know that you were and are a part of us, and we miss you like someone would miss an eye or a limb.  Yet, you will always be here with us.  We love you.

The Eve of the Memorial

Countdown to the Memorial

Mike’s memorial is one week from tomorrow.  Lately I’ve been channeling my grief into planning for the event.  I spent most of the weekend digging through old photographs for the slideshow we’re making.  I’ll add more when I get to West Virginia next weekend.  My parents ordered the flowers.  I am confirming the speakers.  Mike’s best friend Chas is going to speak.  I asked Mike’s friend Jeff to speak, too.  Dad might say a few words, if he’s up for it.  Mom will just try to make it through the day.  I will speak, though I’m not yet sure what I will say.  Eulogy for my baby brother.  I still have a week to write it.  Mom and Dad talked to the priest.  I will pick out the music.  Mom and Dad ordered the food.  I ran Mike’s obituary in our hometown newspaper, though none of us has lived there in years.  Mom and Dad will run an announcement about the memorial in their local newspaper.  I have been sending out emails.  Dolly wants to buy a funeral dress.  Mom and Dad called the funeral home.  The funeral home will call the cemetery to make arrangements for the internment.  I will borrow a projector for the slideshow.  Mom and Dad will pick out photographs to bring to the church.  The funeral home will bring the ashes to the church.  I will write a eulogy for my baby brother.

One hundred six days since Mike has been gone.  Eight days until Mike’s memorial.  Keeping busy, keeping time.

Peace

I reconnected with an old friend who I haven’t seen in years.  He struggles with depression.  When I told him about my brother, this is what he said:  “Forgive me, but when I hear about someone killing his or her self, all I can think is...peace. You can be angry, sad, frustrated, etc. And it is certainly understandable. But that person is now at peace.”

Peace is something Mike wanted, something he believed he could never have so long as he was alive.  Who knows, he might have been right about that.  I’m not sure if he was ever at peace in his 37 years on this earth.  He said he wanted “a place where there was no self, only calm.”

My guess is that Mike, my brother, the guy who loved to fish and build computers, the guy who deep-fried turkey and barbecued ribs, the guy who cared for the elderly and the homeless, the guy with an eye for photography – that guy is gone, and lives on only in our memories.  Also gone is the guy who worried incessantly, the guy who suffered and was in pain.  His talents and his worries, his beauty and his pain – all gone.

I know that his body is gone.  His body was reduced to heavy ashes, now being stored in a funeral home in West Virginia in a black and gold box, which will be interned in a cemetery on March 30.

Then there’s the question of his soul, his spirit.  It’s the part detached from the body.  It’s the part detached from the mind, and from the troubles and joys of human existence.  It seems that this detachment from body and mind must bring peace, because it’s the body and the mind that keep us from peace.  But what is this peace?  Is it heaven?  Is it nothingness?

It’s clearly not a question I can answer until I meet my own end.  So the idea that Mike is now at peace does not bring me much peace.  


I have been thinking of Mike’s suicide as something that happened to me, something that keeps happening to me.  Perhaps that’s the inherent selfishness of grief.  This tragedy happened to Mike a long time ago, and kept happening over and over until the end.  He found peace, or at least tried to find peace, the only way he thought he could.  Now the tragedy lives on in us, in this black hole of sadness.  I would give anything to go back in time to try to shoulder some of that pain for him, to help him find another road to peace.

Time in a Bottle, and the Ending of Time in a Folder

One thing that surprised me was learning how meticulous Mike was.  When I arrived in West Virginia the week after Mike died, my parents pointed to several boxes of paperwork and said, “Here’s your project for the week.”  The task of settling Mike’s financial affairs went more smoothly than one would think.  Who knew that Mike would have perfectly organized files with every document I needed?  He even had a list of his online accounts and passwords.  Had he always been this organized, or did he intentionally get his files in order because he knew we would inherit them and need to make sense of them?  I feel sorry for whoever inherits my own chaos. 

As awful as his death was, there were little things he did that showed he was trying to be kind to others.  He left notes for us to try to explain his actions instead of leaving us to wonder.  He killed himself in a remote area where his neighbors and vacationing families would not see him.  He used a method that would make his body appear to be intact so we wouldn’t have to see the destruction.  He left notes and numbers so my parents would have people to help them.  Suicide is inherently selfish, because the one who does it cannot see past his own pain.  Certainly he didn’t know how his death would change us forever.  But even within this blindness, Mike performed small acts of kindness in his final hours.

I was inspired my Mike’s files, although he held on to too much.  Since I've been home, I have been organizing my own files.  My home office is filled with mountains of paper that I have been trying to sort for years.  Now I feel like I am doing it for him.

I have one folder in my file cabinet that is called “Mike”.  It is not a folder of Mike’s life.  It is a folder of his death.  Here is a list of its contents:

• A copy of the note Mike left on his neighbor’s door the morning he killed himself, asking them to help our parents.  He tried to leave my parents’ cell phone number, but he wrote the number down incorrectly.  The neighbors left message on Mike’s cell phone instead—messages Mike would never hear, and I would be the first to hear 10 days later.
• A copy of the note he left on his body for whoever found him, telling them to contact our parents and his employer, his address, and that there were more letters back at his apartment.
• A copy of the letter he left for our parents.
• A copy of the letter he left for Dolly and me.
• A copy of the letter he left for our aunts.
• Lists of people who could help and other contacts that he left with the letters.
• A list of grievances he had against his employer that he left with the letters.
• An old letter from his landlord that he left with the letters.
• A Wikipedia entry for Wendy O. Williams that he left with his letters, apparently to argue that suicide can be justified.  He quoted from her suicide note in his letter to my parents.
• A copy of his death certificate.
• A copy of his obituary.
• A list of the telephone numbers that were in his cell phone, just in case we need them, which I doubt we will.
• A list of his creditors and notes of our contacts with them.
• A list of resources for survivors of suicide.
• A copy of the receipt for the gun he bought from a pawnshop in Virginia Beach.

The “Mike” file is a time capsule of the end of my brother’s life, and the worst month of my life.  It sits in my file cabinet in between “Medical Bills” and “National Lawyers Guild.” 

Safety in Numbers

I joined a grief support group for survivors of suicide that I found through the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention web site.  In order to preserve the confidentiality of the group, I cannot write about what we discussed.  What I can tell you is that the group was intense, and that I feel a strong connection to these people, these fellow survivors.  Even as I took the elevator up to our first meeting, I remember thinking:  “This can’t really be happening.  My brother isn’t really dead, is he?”  Twelve weeks into this grief, it still doesn’t feel real much of the time.  Which means the truth can still knock the wind out of me on a regular basis.

I like talking to my parents about Mike, even if it’s often the same conversation.  We talk about what was going on in Mike’s life right before he died, and how the irrationality of his decision to end his life is evidence of his mental illness.  “It was the depression that killed him.”  I can’t imagine the grief of losing a child.  What they are going through is at a completely different level than my grief.  If anything happened to my daughter, I don’t think I could survive it.  I am in awe at their strength. 

It seems like I hear about suicide everywhere now.  I have met several people who, like me, are grieving recent suicides of loved ones.  I have heard about a couple of acquaintances that have committed suicide recently.  And I’ve heard about it on the news. (Just today:  Michael Blosil, Andrew Koenig.)  We don’t think about depression as an epidemic, as life or death, but now I see it all around me.

I don’t have the solution for all this depression, anxiety, loneliness, and grief.  If you have a mind that tells you to cure for loneliness is isolation, there is safety in numbers.  Grief is a lonely process, but you don’t need to be alone. 

Time and the Illusion of Control

I have been experiencing a profound shift in how I think about time. Now more than ever I am aware that time is limited and will run out. I am also hyper-aware of the fragility of life, and that time could end at any moment. This awareness has manifested itself in both rational and irrational ways.

Semi-rational: Before this year, whenever I finished reading a book, I would pick up the next book that seemed interesting to me. I have a long list of books I would like to read eventually. Recently I calculated the average number of books I will read per year multiplied by my life expectancy, and realized with great sadness that I will only read a small fraction of the books on my list. So now, instead of reading books at random, I am methodically working my way through the Modern Library’s 100 Best Novels. Plan for controlling my reading list: Check.

Irrational: I have to fly to L.A. this week. When I found out about the meeting, my first thought was to try to reschedule to sometime in March. I needed to reschedule so I could get caught up on my life insurance premiums with my next paycheck. I needed to be current with my life insurance before I set foot on an airplane. Because if I fly, I might die. Fortunately I realized how crazy this sounded, so I didn’t ask to reschedule. My fear of flying has intensified since Mike died. I play out in my head what my family would have to go through, similar to what we are still going through with Mike. I pray that my parents will not lose both of their children. I pray that my daughter will not lose her mother. I pray, please, just let me get caught up on my life insurance and pay back the people who have lent me money before something bad happens, so my family and friends won’t think I’m an ass-hole after I'm gone. These are the thoughts that go through my head until the captain turns off the seat belt sign.

Are there people who are at peace with the fact that life will end? I am terrified of death. I do not understand how Mike or anyone else would willingly choose it. I want to live as long as possible. But then, if I am living in fear, how richly am I living?

I have these fears about time partly because I have obsessive-compulsive disorder, partly because I am insane with grief, and partly because I am turning 40 this year. My brain has locked on to the idea that time is running out, and asks: What books do I need to read? What do I need to do to protect my family if something happens? What movies do I need to see? What places do I need to visit? What friends do I need to bring closer into my life? Have I loved enough? Have I done enough? Have I given enough?

Fear of flying is really the fear of having no control. Statistically, rationally, I should be more afraid to drive than to fly. When I drive my car, however, I have the illusion of control. I can plan my reading list for the next ten years, draft a will, or make yet another to do list, and it would only give me the illusion of control. No one controls time, or when it ends. Even Mike did not control that. Letting go of the illusion of control is counterintuitive and antithetical to my impulses. It is frightening and difficult. But even as I scheme new ways to control my dwindling time, I know that letting go is the lesson, the way through the fear. Letting go of the illusion of control is the only way to master time.