Do-Over

It's late Sunday night.  The weekend is over.  I had all kinds of plans for today--Patti Smith concert in Golden Gate Park, meeting on Church St., bike ride--but instead I stayed in pajamas watching movies, and now, after accomplishing absolutely nothing, it's time for bed.  The great thing about sleep is that tomorrow is a new day.  No matter how supremely lazy I was today, it can all change tomorrow. Tomorrow restarts the clock.  I can wake with a new attitude and motivation. Tomorrow I will work.  Tomorrow I will exercise.  Tomorrow I will eat well.  Tomorrow I will show up.

When Mike pulled the trigger, did he think he was getting a do-over? Does it all start over--a new day, a new life?  When I was recovering from meningitis, one of my home care nurses told me that "they say" people who die by suicide are doomed to repeat their same misery in their next life, because there is something they haven't learned yet.  How exactly "they" know that, I am not sure.  Did "they" take a poll to find out what people who committed suicide were doing in their next lives?  If you're going to just make some shit up, why decide it's going to be another lifetime of misery?  And why assume a survivor of suicide wants to hear your theory?  Can't you just say "at least he is no longer suffering" like everyone else?

A do-over would be nice.  Like rebooting a computer.  Did he think he would enjoy the nothingness?  Did he think he would continue to exist in any form, on any level?  Disconnected from misery.  Do it over.