Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Three Years of Grief and Gratitude




It’s been one year since I’ve written or even looked at this blog.

The Grief. The loss has become significantly less traumatizing over time.  I accept Mike’s suicide as a fact of my life. Not to say there weren’t rough days. For example, April 20, 2012: the day our Aunt Lyda died of brain cancer.  September 28, 2012:  the day Mike would have celebrated his 40th birthday.  November 2, 2012:  The Dia de los Muertos celebration in San Francisco where I totally lost my shit in front of thousands of people after making an impromptu altar to my dead family.  December 5, 2012: The three-year anniversary of my brother’s death by suicide.


The Gratitude. If there are any silver linings to this experience of going to the place of unimaginable pain and grief and arriving at a place of acceptance and relative normalcy (emphasis on “relative”), it would be the kinship I have developed with fellow survivors of suicide, and the opportunity to be of service to others suffering with depression or grief. A couple of months ago a close friend’s brother committed suicide. I could identify with the rawness and intensity of her feelings. I was grateful to not be in that place anymore, and grateful that I could have anything to offer in way of comfort. . After Mike first died, the people I wanted to talk to the most were people who were survivors of suicide or who had also lost a sibling.

Because grief is a lifelong journey, I imagine I will still drop in on this blog from time to time. Before writing this entry, I logged into my Gmail account for the first time since December 2011. There were several messages each month from survivors of suicide from around the country and the world who somehow stumbled across this page and took the time to write to me about their loss. Aside from feeling like an ass-hole for not checking my old account, I was overwhelmed with the love and connection from these fellow survivors who helped me get through another rough day of surviving my brother’s suicide.

12 comments:

  1. I too lost my brother to suicide...Feb 8th, 1996. He will be gone 17 years soon, and I don't think I still am "ok". I don't know what brought me to this page except that maybe I was just needing to know someone else out there understands the significance of the loss I feel. With him died my memories...the ability to talk to someone about my childhood and say "remember when..."...You are not alone...I guess I'm not either :) Thanks for being there for me tonight through your blog...

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  2. I lost my brother to suicide five years ago now. There is still so much pain, yet, so much hate. My family has been torn apart and my mother seems to have taken up where my brother left off. So much pain a slid anger.

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  3. I lost mine 35 days ago. Thank you for sharing. My brothers name was also Michael(Mikey).

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    1. I lost my brother John to suicide on March 20th this year. I was actually the person who discovered him. Someone tell me it gets easier... please.

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    2. I , too, lost my brother Jacob to suicide just 1 short week ago. 3 days before his 32nd birthday. The pain is very raw and real. But my brain just does not want to fathom the fact that I will never see him again. I cannot accept that I will never see his face in person again, or hear his laughter. I don't think I will ever recover from this.

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    3. Tom its something we learn to live with but, as time goes by it seems to me it all becomes a bit less painful and you have some less random emotional breakdowns. I believe its the slow process of healing and grieving. Its very important to talk. I lost my father to suicide in Aug 2013 to a gun shot wound. I understand your pain & your not alone. I will be praying for every single one of you constantly for emotional comfort and healing. Feel free to contact me my blog is www.daughterscry.weebly.com . I recently created it in hopes of helping others, sharing, and hopefuly to get to a closure.

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    4. I am so sorry for the loss of your brothers. I hope you have found some moments of peace. For me, the first year was the hardest, and it slowly got better after that.

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  5. Hi! I never imagined myself being in such a situation and writing on this topic so close to home now. My father committed suicide in August 2013 so I'm very familiar with your emotions and feelings. I created a blog myself and I'm still working on. www.daughterscry.weebly.com . Hope to hear from you soon

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  6. Thank you for commenting. I haven't visited in this blog since December 5, 2012, the three-year anniversary of my brother's death. I'll try to write more often. I wish you didn't have to share this story.

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  7. I lost my dear brother one week ago. He shot himself in the head. I am devastated. So many unanswered questions.

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  8. My beautiful brother chose to end his life three weeks ago. I'm glad to know there is some light at the end of this long dark tunnel. I find reading other people's stories really helps, so thank you. Lots of love to you all

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